The Scattered Dreams That Lie Ahead
by NoPerfectCircle
Summary: Vampire Edward/Bella. Does not follow BD canon. "The silence between them said as much as any words could have. It changed, over the years, just like they did. Six years after, and there’s nothing left to say."
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **_Sometimes, a love overcomes any obstacles, until it stumbles on the one obstacle that hits in the deepest part of the relationship, which tugs on the core of the matter. For Edward and Bella, it was their low self-esteem, which transformed into guilt and then turned into an obsession to protect the other from the self._

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended

**Author's Note:** This is a different take on Edward and Bella's relationship after she's changed. The fic does not follow BD canon (for the simple reason that I wrote the fic before BD was out). I'm still very much pro E/B, I just thought this would be interesting to explore. I was inspired by _The Book Thief_ for the structure and the band, Stars, for the mood.

There will be some sexual content. You're warned :)

Thanks to medoraly for betaing this part!

**THE SCATTERED DREAMS THAT LIE AHEAD**

_~FACT~_

_Nothing is forever._

**

The silence between them said as much as any words could have. It changed, over the years, just like they did.

One year after their marriage, it was a content silence, the kind of silence you share with the one you love when you feel like it is conveying more love than words could ever. Two years after, and it's still perfect, comfortable. Three years, and it's the bliss of discovering all of those new things, learning all the ways that happiness makes you feel like you belong.

Four years is a draft, it's harsh and hesitant. After five years, there's an edge that's uncomfortable, a tension that has taken its time to get in but has settled down perfectly.

Six years after, and there's nothing left to say.

_~A ROUTINE~_

_She glances his way. He doesn't glance back. He always wears his lips in a thin, tight line. She sighs in frustration and looks away._

**

He drives her into the mountains, stops when he cannot take the Jeep further. They could probably go with other people, mix in the family a bit, but for some odd reason, they never ask. They stick together. For the better and the worse.

This is the worse. They'll stick together.

_~LIES~_

_He didn't leave her again and she never fell in love with someone else._

**

Some things happen in life that you cannot explain. Some things are more immutable than the earth. Jasper and Alice, for example, she thinks, are forever. Carlisle and Esme are his forever. Another thing they disagree on.

He looks at her as she walks ahead. He watches her every move, and hopes he can catch her when she falls. But she never falls anymore.

She feels his presence behind her, and closes her eyes, just to breathe in his scent. He's still the most intoxicating being on earth. She wants to turn around and reach out to him but every time she says she will, she never does.

Everytime she said she would, she never did.

_~OBJECTION~_

_When you love someone so much, nothing in the world can tear you apart._

**

People say seven years of marriage is the kiss of death. Some people argue that it doesn't apply to vampires.

She keeps walking far, long after she knows he stopped and picked his prey. He'll be done before her and wait for her, as usual. He'll ask her "How did it go?"

To which, she'll always reply, "Fine."

And they will go back to the house, side by side, their arms and hands lightly brushing but never intertwined. No one will comment, just look sadly as they pass by. He'll go back in their room, listen to music. She'll go in the basement, read for awhile.

_~TRUTH~_

_They used to believe that love was enough. They know better by now._

**

When she gets back to their room at night, she knows she can't pretend that it's because she wants to sleep. She just never brought herself to say, "Hey, I'll move my clothes downstairs." It would mean, "Hey, I'm moving out of your life."

He's not ready for that, and she's not ready for that.

When she gets back to their room at night, she goes directly to her cupboard, takes a nightgown out, changes. She doesn't need to change, but she's s trying to spark something there.

Sometimes he will watch her eyes all the time she changes, while listening to his music. Sometimes his eyes will roam all over her body as if he was longing for something long gone.

Most of the time, he'll wait until she's at the door to fuck her.

_~SUGGESTION~_

_You might not want to read the next part. It's rough and violent. It's fucking, not making love. It's Edward and Bella. Six years after. Two universes apart. Like it sometimes happens,_  
_even though you'll never know why._

**

He starts by sneaking an arm around her waist, preventing her from walking out of the room. His free hand pushes the hair off of her neck, and starts to leave kisses, kisses that sound more like bites. The hand on her waist travels further up and reaches one of her breast. He squeezes it, almost too strongly, and she moans, somewhere between pain and despair. He keeps on biting her neck and she tries to get him to kiss her, something he'll always refuse her. His hand, that's not massaging, but more accurately crushing her breast, goes down, rests on her thigh, gets under her nightgown, and then violently pushes against her clit.

She cannot hold back a cry as he strokes her, creating a friction that sends her into shards. Finally, she manages to reach his cock, she grabs what she can through the jeans. He growls and bites her on the shoulder, but it only makes her more eager to inflict pain.

He turns her around before pushing her against the wall. He doesn't even look at her when he rips her gown apart.

_~ANECDOCTE~_

_She has bought more gowns than she cares to remember._

**

It's not long before she's done with his clothes. His shirt is ripped off in one motion, his jeans are gone with the next. She can't even feel the cold of the wall, the friction of their bodies create heat.

His hands are everywhere on her body, they never rest, either grabbing her ass to bring her up, or on her breast trying to create pleasure where there's only pain.

She lowers herself to suck on his cock. She doesn't always do it, but it drives him wild when she does so she takes it in her mouth, sucks and keeps it up, until he goes mad and punches the wall behind him, then explodes in her mouth.

It doesn't take long; the whole thing doesn't take long. It's so mind-blowing that there's not much time needed until their bodies overload with senses. All of the silences in the day, all of the stolen glances, all those touches they don't share, they pour them into that moment.

When she's done with him, he grabs her and lifts her up. He has her against the wall, nowhere to escape. He pushes on her arms, a bit too tight but he reminds himself that she won't break. She won't break, so he attacks her even more roughly.

He grabs her arm and bites it while she muffles a moan by biting his shoulder.

_~A PARTICULARITY~_

_When other couples make love and kiss, Edward and Bella fuck and bite. The metaphor of the bite as a sexual act is yet to be proved, but considering how wrong Bella's transformation went, Carlisle always thought that the couple had never survived the consummation of their marriage._

**

Edward can't take it. She feels miles apart when she's close to him and now that she's in his arms, she feels like a stranger. Him. Her. They both feel like strangers. Where is Bella and where is Edward?

Maybe she's Edward and he's Bella. Maybe they lost who they are along the road, maybe he doesn't know anymore. Maybe he needs to stop thinking.

He enters her without warning and starts rocking without notice. If she cannot keep up with him, he won't wait. Not for this.

He goes deeper and deeper, faster and faster, harder and harder. Always deeper than the night before, always faster, always harder.

But when he finally comes into her, and she comes into him, he thinks it was pleasure, but all that's left is a dream.

_~REWIND~_

_The things that happen between a man and a woman when things go wrong often result from miscommunication._  
_When Bella changed and Edward almost killed her by drinking all her blood, she never realized, so absorbed by the bloodlust, that her husband was destroying himself with guilt._

_It's only years after that this kind of self-destructive behaviour becomes clear. When you aren't touched anymore, when you don't feel loved anymore. When you look into your husband's eyes and you realize that he has put his wall back up._

**

She picks up another gown, not to start a round two, but to keep this routine. He didn't bother to put clothes back on, he just sits on the sofa, looking away, ashamed, like every night, so she joins him on the sofa and takes his hand in hers.

_~IMPORTANT NOTICE~_

_This contact is the most intimate moment they share in a day. It's apologetic, painful and full of silence that says all the bitterness and awkwardness of their situation._

**

She takes his hand to her mouth and kisses it. He won't look at her, she won't push it.

When the moon sets off and a new day begins, they're still on the sofa, watching a new day break. It will be a new day for everyone except for them.

They're here, forever. Not there, completely, but loosely linked so that they cannot get away. They need each other, have always needed each other; they might not love each other anymore, they might not talk, or feel for each other - something might have broken, Edward's guilt, Bella's rejection - and maybe it wasn't just meant to be the way they always thought. Now that it's done, and she's here to stay, he can't drop her off on an island, forget she exists and then destroy himself for what he's done, how he feels, who he is.

_~CONCLUSION~_

_Not all fairytales have happy endings. Not all love stories triumph over everything. Sometimes, a love overcomes any obstacles, until it stumbles on the one obstacle that hits in the deepest part of the relationship, which tugs on the core of the matter. For Edward and Bella, it was their low self-esteem, which transformed into guilt and then turned into an obsession to protect the other from the self._

_Sometimes, the only thing that can destroy a couple is the love they share for one another. When this love is too strong and lives on a too thin string, it breaks. And ultimately, dies away._

**

When the sun will be up, they'll get up, quietly. And it's in the silence of the night, and the shadows of past mistakes that they'll keep up with their salt-in-the-wound routine.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks for the reviews, guys! Hope you enjoy this second part :)

**THE SCATTERED DREAMS THAT LIE AHEAD**

_~ LOVE ~_

_Interesting concept. Complicated reality. _

_**__  
_

Carlisle looks at them like something's rotten, like something's so deeply wrong in the nature of their relationship that it's spreading like a disease all around.

Privacy never was private.

"Do something, Edward," Carlisle thinks. How long ago was it that his father gave better advice than that?

He turns away – they both turn away.

What is there left to do?

_~ PARADOX ~_

_When something that doesn't make sense makes more sense that something that makes even less sense, what do you do?_

_**_

She looks at him across the room and tries to ignore the way her family looks at her, judges her. Judges them both.

She knows what she's not doing. Knows what it's doing to this family.

She looks at him. He looks at her.

No one really talks to them anymore. They're alone, and yet, together in their loneliness.

They're all they've got left.

_~ AGREEMENT ~_

_The idea that sometimes you've got to let go to rebuild yourself is true. It's even truer for them. Except they don't really apply that idea to themselves yet._

_**_

It's a quick decision. After a good fuck, while watching the sun rises, they decide.

"Let's go," they whisper. And they smile, because they said it at the same time.

He takes her hand and kisses it. It's the first time in three years. She doesn't think anything of it because he drops it as soon as he took it.  
Besides, all she remembers are his eyes, the light gold in them. She's not used to seeing them that light. It's not much but it's there. She wonders if he saw something in her too.

_**_

He did see something. It was the brown of her eyes. But it hurts more than it helps, more than it eases. And then, he hears all the voices again, and he feels like he's drowning inside.

_~ HONESTLY ~_

_Some things need to hurt to get better._

_**_

They've been gone for a few days. Told the family, packed their things. Edward had a very intense conversation with Carlisle. Bella sobbed on Esme and Alice's shoulders.

"Keep in touch," they said. "Come back whenever."

Only one minute in the car and they both know that they're not welcome anymore. Not who they are now, who they've become. Old Bella, Old Edward, maybe.

They glance at each other, look at each other. He remembers when he used to reach for her hand while driving and how it warmed his heart. On an impulse, he starts to move his hand, but something's wrong and he puts it back on the steering wheel.

She notices, sighs and looks away.

He wears his lips in a thin, tight line.

_~ FATE~_

_Edward always said that fate brought them together. It was the point of his entire speech at their wedding. How he had been blessed, how he did not deserve her. _  
_Sometimes, he thinks it's still true. _  
_Sometimes, he thinks she doesn't deserve him._

_Sometimes, he thinks they should just give up on pretending._

_And sometimes, he thinks that if they keep on pretending… it's only because they're not really pretending._

_**_

They find a new place on the other side of the country. It's nice and cosy. Edward has a big window in his room where he sees the sun rise. Bella has a basement all to herself.

But despite the moving and the potential excuses, she still unpacks her things in their room. Funny thing, routines.

She calls Esme and Alice everyday; she gets to talk everyone. She pushes Edward to talk to them too. He does. Every once in a while.

_~ UNMOVING CHANGE ~_

_They spend hours watching each other, staring one another in the eye. It could be considered an improvement, as they used to avoid each other's gaze. Now, all of their silent disagreement, all of their silent pains are poured out in these looks. _

_They stopped fucking as well._

_**_

Living alone requires new living habits. Now that they're rid of the family's judgemental looks – judgemental for what, why?- they have another routine, one that's even more complicated.

It's like a web. It starts quite simple and then gets complicated. With every day that passes, it's another strand in the web. But webs are not endless, better webs than circles. If it's a web, it will stop. If it's a web, it will break. That's what he thinks every night, when she changes clothes, sits on the sofa next to him and simply snuggles against him.

_~ DISAGREEMENT ~_

_She's not sorry she loved him. She's not sorry she still loves him. _

_**_

She's reading a new book when he comes back from hunting. And when she comes back from hunting, he's working on his piano.

She's aware, and yet not, that he's been composing more frequently. He used to say that his music was "therapeutic".

It's one of the things that made her realize that something was wrong, when she realized he wasn't playing anymore.

After her hunt, she walks in the room and she sits down on the closest chair, closing her eyes and listening to him. Everytime, she notices, the nearest chair gets even closer to him.

_~ I'M NOT SORRY ~_

_After 8 years of marriage, the silence feels like something they know but can't quite understand._

_**_

"What do you think it is?" she asks one day.

But he doesn't answer, never answers. Even though he knows the question. He shrugs and she bites her lip, trying not to push it.

It's been eight years today.

_~ SOMEWHERE ELSE ~_

_They like to see things a certain way. If things don't go that way, then they'll imagine it. In their happy places, they're Edward and Bella, they've been married for eight years, together for ten. They're happy and spend their time proving it._

_**_

She was busy gardening that day, something she picked up from Esme, and she's terribly dirty. She picks at mud on her jeans and looks at him deviously.

He raises an eyebrow. It's suggestive. 'I dare you.'

It's the most he said with his eyes in months. Years.

She throws mud at him. And she runs. The chase begins.

_~ PROBLEMS ~_

_There's a terrible rage inside. It's bottled up. It's what happens when you put on a disguise, a mask. That's what happens when you start to see things a certain way. But with the anger, it's everything else you bottle up, the anger, the hate, but also, the love and the compassion. So when you want to love again, what else is there to do but start from scratch again?_

_**_

There's a new routine that happens between them, a new one, again. A better one, she thinks.

It's playful and fun, a lot like teasing, flirting. A lot like two people in the early stages of a relationship.

They go to a literature class together at the university. They were feeling a bit bored, and Bella suggested they looked at the open courses at the closest campus. She chose the literary class. Edward followed for some weird reason.

She asked him why, but he only answered, "You're not strong enough to be on your own."  
It might be partially true. She's still very new at this, being a vampire.

But the truth is, "I need to understand you."

She tries to talk. It's the way she does things, it's her first step.

He tries to understand. It's his.

They're not doing it the same way, but at least, they're trying. Right?

_~ WRONG ~_

_The bloodlust was overpowering the first years. They both knew it. But despite all preparations, they weren't quite ready for it. He didn't let her down, he just thinks he didn't do whatever he should have done. So now that he keeps failing her, he thinks that maybe this is the only thing he can do. It's so automatic that there's no desire to hurt the other. _  
_It just feels like this is what they're good at. __Hurting each other._

_But as long as they're together…_

_**_

I hate you.

I love you.

It's a delicate line. A thin line, that broke under their love.

She closes her eyes and dreams of all they used to be. It's only during these moments that she realizes how wrong it all is. Why aren't they how they used to be? Why didn't they stay the way they were when they were younger?

They pushed aside everything that was wrong, and when the secrets were too much to bear, and the guilt too hard to take, they started to avoid each other. Quite simply at first, quite subtly. And then, they stopped talking. Denied they were, but they stopped talking nonetheless. And when, they stopped talking, there was no way to separate them.

When they fell into a maddening silence, they stopped mentioning things, stopped thinking, and started to need each other more than ever.

When you feel like you're losing the one person you ever loved and you ever will love, wouldn't you try to save it? In any capacity that you can?

_~ NO PERFECT STORY ~_

_The relationship between two persons can be quiet, violent, easy, complicated, intense, light-hearted, reassuring, scary, impossible, extraordinary. And it can be all of that._

_**_

He daydreams of her sometimes but it's not who she used to be, and who she is. It's of who she'll become. Who he hopes she'll become and who she'll make him become.

As long as they're together…


End file.
